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athealan
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » February 14th 2013 - 2:26 am

New avatar for Twig :whistle:


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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » April 10th 2013 - 1:50 am

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he
can't find himself?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?

If Barbie is so popular....then why do you have to buy her friends?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you
strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

What happens if you get scared to death....twice?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the
radio?

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would it be called Fed Up?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is the blackboard green?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

Why are all farms red?

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?

Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?

Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?

Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?

When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?

Do birds pee?

Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do donuts have holes?

Do the different "M&M's" colors taste different?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Does the President have to pay taxes?

Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of skating rinks?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

If a man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why did they name that underwear company Fruit of the Loom?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What came first the chicken or the egg?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

Why do they call it disposable douche?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » April 19th 2013 - 2:25 am

An American photographer on vacation was inside a church in Oldham taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '£10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Manchester... There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Oldham and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled to Blackburn, Darwen, Burnley, Rochdale and Littleborough. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '£10,000 per call' sign under it. The American, upon leaving Lancashire decided to travel to Yorkshire to see if Yorkshiremen had the same phone.

He arrived in Halifax, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over Lancashire and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in Lancashire the price was £10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Yorkshire now, son. It's a local call.'
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by neelpeel » April 19th 2013 - 11:34 am

athealan wrote:If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

If a cow laughed really hard, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

How do you KNOW it's new and improved dog food?

What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he
can't find himself?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If practice makes perfect, and there is no such thing as perfect, why practice?

If Barbie is so popular....then why do you have to buy her friends?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you
strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

What happens if you get scared to death....twice?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the
radio?

When cheese gets its picture taken what does it say?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge would it be called Fed Up?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink what ever comes out"?

Can you sentence a homeless man to house arrest?

Does a postman deliver his own mail?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why is the blackboard green?

What came first, the fruit or the color orange?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

What happens if someone loses a lost and found box?

Why do banks leave the door wide open but the pens chained to the counter?

Why is it that when a person tells you there's over a million stars in the universe you believe them, but if someone tells you there's wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

If a synchronized swimmer drowns, does her partner also have to drown?

Why are all farms red?

Do bald men wash their head with soap or shampoo?

When you put 'THE' and 'IRS' together, it forms 'THEIRS'. Coincidence? I think not?

Why are rubber duckies yellow when most real ducks aren't?

Does anyone actually kill two birds with one stone?

Why do they call the clock where you punch your time card called a "time" clock? Aren't all clocks "time" clocks?

When a male is elected president and his wife is called the First Lady. What would a lady's husband be called if she were elected president?

Do birds pee?

Why do they call it 2% milk, if its 2% fat, not milk?

If it is a 50 mph per hour wind and you drive your car at 50mph downwind, if you stick your head outside would you feel the wind?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

In some books, why do they have blank pages at the very end?

If you were on a plane going the speed of sound and walked from the back of the plane to the front, would you be walking faster than the speed of sound?

what does the K in K-mart actually stand for?

Why do donuts have holes?

Do the different "M&M's" colors taste different?

If your born at exactly midnight is your birthday on both those days?

Why do we say "bye bye" but not "hi hi"?

Why doesn't the glue in the bottle dry up?

Why does everyone speak different languages and have different accents if we all originally came from the same place?

If someone can't see, they're blind and if someone can't hear, they're deaf, so what do you call people who can't smell?

How do they get those boats in those glass bottles?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Does the President have to pay taxes?

Why do they put "for indoor or outdoor use only" on Christmas lights?

If an ambulance is on its way to save someone, and it runs someone over, does it stop to help them?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

What ever happened to an E grade? We have A,B,C,D,F but no E.

Don't you find it worrying that doctors call treating you their "practice" ?

Do they have the word "dictionary" in the dictionary?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

In France do people just ask for toast and get French toast? or do they have to ask for American toast?

Why does mineral water that has "trickled through mountains for centuries" go out of date next year?

Do vampires get AIDS?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

Why is it that lemon dishsoap is made with real lemons, but lemon juice is artificial flavoring?

If feathers tickle people, do they tickle birds?

Do the minutes on the movie boxes include the previews, credits, and special features, or just the movie itself?

Why do people never say "it's only a game" when they're winning?

Why do hotdogs come in packs of 8 when hotdog rolls come in packs of 10?

How come the sun makes your skin darker but your hair lighter?

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

Are zebras black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?

Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of skating rinks?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say humpty dumpty is an egg?

If Americans throw rice at weddings, do the Chinese throw hamburgers?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

If The Flintstones were B.C. and before America, why did they have Flintstones Thanksgiving and Flintstones Christmas?

If a man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why did they name that underwear company Fruit of the Loom?

Why do grocery stores buy so many checkout line registers if they only keep 3 or 4 open?

Why do the ABC song, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, and Baa Baa Black Sheep all have the same tune?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Aren't all generalizations false?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling?
If so, how could you treat them?

Did the early settlers ever go on a camping trip?

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?

If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What came first the chicken or the egg?

What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down?

Why do they call it disposable douche?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why don't you ever see baby pigeons?

Why is the alphabet in that order?
Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
I've had many a stoner night asking these questions... the answers have been tremendous ... pity i cant remember any of them. (short term memory lose comes as part of the package). :lol1:

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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » April 27th 2013 - 1:07 am

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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » May 3rd 2013 - 3:02 pm

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view)

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » June 5th 2013 - 12:09 am

British Humour


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion,
I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,
so I did.....
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me,
just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the
Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another
man of the same calibre."

-----------------------------------------------------------

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend...
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent,
Trustworthy, Sensible.
Or in other words........... B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in.
Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick.
It's great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."

-----------------------------------------------------------

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not
understanding the question please."

-----------------------------------------------------------

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians,
loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Prince William says he doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding.
Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line.
She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » June 6th 2013 - 12:16 am

A Romanian, an Arab and a Yorkshire Lass are in the same bar.

When the Romanian finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In Romania ,our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, obviously impressed by this, drinks his non-alcohol beer (cuz he's a Muslim!), throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces.

He says, 'In the Arab World, we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.'

The Yorkshire Lass, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Romanian and the Arab.
Catches her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill.

She says, 'In Yorkshire, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'

God Bless Yorkshire !!
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » June 23rd 2013 - 6:07 pm

ADULT CONTENT



[youtube][/youtube]
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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » July 16th 2013 - 5:57 pm

Hell of a problem getting into my garage last night my legs stopped working.

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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by athealan » July 23rd 2013 - 6:36 pm

So folk often ask "What ever happened to Blunder (IVZ350)"

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Re: Off Topic Topic

Post by dcyel » July 23rd 2013 - 9:00 pm

:lol1: :lol1: :lol1: Sad eh...Wonder how he's doing
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